On the surface we are pristine and beautiful. On the surface we chat and laugh and share insignificant details and frustrations. We might even be so lucky as to find like minded individuals that we have occasion to dip a bit below the water spiders with. But then we make ripples in the network. Networks don't like ripples so much, and they detest waves.
Networks: school,work, church, neighborhoods, etc., are great for some light social interaction. A place to feel comfortable and like you belong, until your life starts to look a bit different from the acceptable surface, and then things get interesting. Networks ask us to provide a narrow piece of ourselves and suppress the rest. The network will deliver efficiency in some limited aim. This fragmentation creates diminished humanity.
I get judged, a lot, since the birth of my 5th child. His disease has changed my ability to be what others want from me on the surface. I can't split myself apart well enough to achieve network greatness while remaining whole for myself and family. It's painful to recognize how shallow one's associations sometimes are within the context of a network. Even more painful is the realization that what you thought was a community is really a network. A fabulous network, but a network nonetheless.
Even families fall prey to network superficiality and forgo the true community aspect intended to strengthen and build up the individual. "Good fences make good neighbors" Mending Wall byRobert Frost. It is okay to create a sanctuary wherein we can thrive.
Communities on the other hand are collections of souls who find significant meaning in their associations. They offer opportunity for true growth and development of the whole person. Highest quality of life is promoted through engagement and participation over time and in all human variety, the good the bad and the ugly.
Society is lacking in true community these days. We run around joining groups and social networks hoping to fill a void. Strange isn't it that the void just keeps getting bigger and the problems grow from slight crevasses to chasms, seemingly overnight.
My husband was present for a discussion recently that went like so, Question: "How can we determine each other's spiritual needs?" Answer: "We don't have friends anymore. We don't know each other anymore." A bit later a younger gentleman chimed in telling frustrated tales of he and his wife trying to get to know neighbors and make friends in their new environment. His summation was: "We don't have friends, we have FaceBook! We don't have neighbors, it's awkward."
I get teased for my long voicemail messages and "too personal" and detailed e-mails, blog posts, and conversations. I am desperate for community and I seek it everywhere. Some take the bait and join me in my community of depth. Thank you :)
Dumbing Us Down, John Taylor Gatto
Tuesday, April 9, 2013
Friday, April 5, 2013
Its All Your Fault
Parents are to blame for everything. I mean everything. There is no hope.
Do you feel like that sometimes? I feel it more often than not. It's a personal challenge to allow my children their own "issues". I am learning it is paramount to their existence that I do not accept the blame. I am excellent at accepting the blame. Blast!
Here is what is working for me; loving them. Seems easy right. I would venture to say that we all think we love our children unconditionally but there are spots, sometimes giant holes, in our ability to do so. Generally those spots have everything to do with us feeling glaring eyeballs from society screaming at us that we must have messed up for them to do that, or, for them not to do this.
Case in point. A big event played up for months. So and so has a royal melt down complete with physical infractions on another's personal space. So and so must stay home. There will not be another "event" such as this in the child's life. It is devastating for parent and child. Although said child sees it as cruel and unusual punishment. Parent struggles and attempts to justify and save child from self because it must somehow bemy (woops!) the parent's fault. Ultimately, the responsible things to do is keep the child home.
Upon arrival to big event, "Where is so and so." Speculation abounds when the simple answer, "You can ask him/her if you'd like." Does not suffice. "Are they sick?" "Did they get in trouble?" "What did they do?" Huge amounts of pressure on siblings and parents to explain or justify something that is not theirs to justify.
Maybe you have never dealt with something of this nature. I talk to a lot of people that have. I am one of them. It is difficult for me to love said child when screaming eyeballs and probing questions laden with ulterior motives are worming their way into my psyche.
I have learned that the responsible choice is always the loving choice. I am working really hard at being responsible over being liked and understood by those in my networks.
We live in a society that is steeped in abusive cycles. I am not saying we all run around punching our children. There are forms of abuse, hidden within this lovely word dysfunction, that seriously hinder our ability to love, and their ability to learn to function in healthy and appropriate ways. We have become so desensitized that behaviors are tolerated, medicated, explained away, and simply ignored as normal.
There is hope and it is as simple as unconditional love. Separating love and trust is easier than I thought, and has done wonders for my relationships. Read this book, it will change your life; How To Hug A Porcupine, John C. Lund.
In a way, it is all my fault, but I can do something about me and hopefully inspire others to do something about them. But again, changing others is really not the point.
Do you feel like that sometimes? I feel it more often than not. It's a personal challenge to allow my children their own "issues". I am learning it is paramount to their existence that I do not accept the blame. I am excellent at accepting the blame. Blast!
Here is what is working for me; loving them. Seems easy right. I would venture to say that we all think we love our children unconditionally but there are spots, sometimes giant holes, in our ability to do so. Generally those spots have everything to do with us feeling glaring eyeballs from society screaming at us that we must have messed up for them to do that, or, for them not to do this.
Case in point. A big event played up for months. So and so has a royal melt down complete with physical infractions on another's personal space. So and so must stay home. There will not be another "event" such as this in the child's life. It is devastating for parent and child. Although said child sees it as cruel and unusual punishment. Parent struggles and attempts to justify and save child from self because it must somehow be
Upon arrival to big event, "Where is so and so." Speculation abounds when the simple answer, "You can ask him/her if you'd like." Does not suffice. "Are they sick?" "Did they get in trouble?" "What did they do?" Huge amounts of pressure on siblings and parents to explain or justify something that is not theirs to justify.
Maybe you have never dealt with something of this nature. I talk to a lot of people that have. I am one of them. It is difficult for me to love said child when screaming eyeballs and probing questions laden with ulterior motives are worming their way into my psyche.
I have learned that the responsible choice is always the loving choice. I am working really hard at being responsible over being liked and understood by those in my networks.
We live in a society that is steeped in abusive cycles. I am not saying we all run around punching our children. There are forms of abuse, hidden within this lovely word dysfunction, that seriously hinder our ability to love, and their ability to learn to function in healthy and appropriate ways. We have become so desensitized that behaviors are tolerated, medicated, explained away, and simply ignored as normal.
There is hope and it is as simple as unconditional love. Separating love and trust is easier than I thought, and has done wonders for my relationships. Read this book, it will change your life; How To Hug A Porcupine, John C. Lund.
In a way, it is all my fault, but I can do something about me and hopefully inspire others to do something about them. But again, changing others is really not the point.
Tuesday, April 2, 2013
Getting Ahead
How far behind do we set our children when we strive, with fervor, to get them ahead in life?
Do children really need to play instruments from the time they can walk? Do they need "educational programs" to prepare them for the rigors of Kindergarten? Do they need Kindergarten? Do they need to start their professional sports careers in cutthroat athletic programs? Do they need to dance and sing and make it big at 5 or 8 or 12?
OR do we need pictures for the relatives, and bragging rights, and validation?
I find it valuable to consider the motivation before assuming societal norms are best. It is easy to choose things for our children because it reflects well on us. That's a mighty big mountain to place in the paths of our children.
A society of overachievers looks fabulous on the surface. What's below that surface is alarming.
We push insignificant things on them earlier and earlier. We test them before they have the self confidence to choose learning rather than memorizing to please. We stuff their mind's with images they can't possibly process and then wonder why core values and principles seem to be lacking. We create a mini-me, rather than nurturing individuals.
We "get them ahead" and leave them far behind. They are without essential life skills and values paramount to the pursuance of their own happiness. Their own goals and dreams are lost somewhere in the thick fog of societal, familial, and peer pressures. Worse yet, they don't even know what goals and dreams are; there is no space or time for them to formulate any of that. We do it for them. Just ask school and Google.
We are obsessed with "information". We tweet on twitter, we attempt to validate our lives on Facebook, we blog perfection, we watch YouTube and hold it as a mark of success. We always think we know everybody else's business. We are obsessed with empty "achievement" that brings outward recognition and no inner satisfaction. True success has been hijacked and we now have "in your face awesomeness" running rampant. Abiding satisfaction is lost somewhere between entertainment and meaningless awards.
Children need to play and discover. They need to be exposed to many wonderful and wholesome things so they can be in awe and wonder. They need time. They can survive without "screens" (and so can we). They can learn and grow and be very, very happy. They can thrive. A pleasing and simple childhood can offer a lifetime of stability, come what may.
There is a lot of come what may these days. Do you wish you would have had more demands on your time as a child, or less? Do you wish your family would have spent less time enjoying one another and developing lasting and healthy relationships, or more?
We are not getting anyone ahead. Despite what their "test scores" and "achievements" might say.
Some Excellent Reading:
A Call to Brilliance, Resa Steindel Brown
Dumbing Us Down: The Hidden Curriculum of Compulsory Schooling, John Taylor Gatto
Deconstructing Penguins, Lawrence and Nancy Goldstone
How to Hug a Porcupine, John C. Lund
Leadership Education: The Phases of Learning, Oliver and Rachel DeMille
Do children really need to play instruments from the time they can walk? Do they need "educational programs" to prepare them for the rigors of Kindergarten? Do they need Kindergarten? Do they need to start their professional sports careers in cutthroat athletic programs? Do they need to dance and sing and make it big at 5 or 8 or 12?
OR do we need pictures for the relatives, and bragging rights, and validation?
I find it valuable to consider the motivation before assuming societal norms are best. It is easy to choose things for our children because it reflects well on us. That's a mighty big mountain to place in the paths of our children.
A society of overachievers looks fabulous on the surface. What's below that surface is alarming.
We push insignificant things on them earlier and earlier. We test them before they have the self confidence to choose learning rather than memorizing to please. We stuff their mind's with images they can't possibly process and then wonder why core values and principles seem to be lacking. We create a mini-me, rather than nurturing individuals.
We "get them ahead" and leave them far behind. They are without essential life skills and values paramount to the pursuance of their own happiness. Their own goals and dreams are lost somewhere in the thick fog of societal, familial, and peer pressures. Worse yet, they don't even know what goals and dreams are; there is no space or time for them to formulate any of that. We do it for them. Just ask school and Google.
We are obsessed with "information". We tweet on twitter, we attempt to validate our lives on Facebook, we blog perfection, we watch YouTube and hold it as a mark of success. We always think we know everybody else's business. We are obsessed with empty "achievement" that brings outward recognition and no inner satisfaction. True success has been hijacked and we now have "in your face awesomeness" running rampant. Abiding satisfaction is lost somewhere between entertainment and meaningless awards.
Children need to play and discover. They need to be exposed to many wonderful and wholesome things so they can be in awe and wonder. They need time. They can survive without "screens" (and so can we). They can learn and grow and be very, very happy. They can thrive. A pleasing and simple childhood can offer a lifetime of stability, come what may.
There is a lot of come what may these days. Do you wish you would have had more demands on your time as a child, or less? Do you wish your family would have spent less time enjoying one another and developing lasting and healthy relationships, or more?
We are not getting anyone ahead. Despite what their "test scores" and "achievements" might say.
Some Excellent Reading:
A Call to Brilliance, Resa Steindel Brown
Dumbing Us Down: The Hidden Curriculum of Compulsory Schooling, John Taylor Gatto
Deconstructing Penguins, Lawrence and Nancy Goldstone
How to Hug a Porcupine, John C. Lund
Leadership Education: The Phases of Learning, Oliver and Rachel DeMille
Thursday, March 28, 2013
Diapers and Golden Calves
There is only one great tragedy in a mothers life. To run out of diapers. Let's discuss possible substitutes: paper towels, towels, lots and lots of big brother underwear, commando, prayer. Yeah, I'm not so hip on any of the aforementioned items.
A mad dash to the store is the only choice here *. Good thing it's not quite Armageddon and the shelves are still stocked. A mad dash it was. A quick diaper run. Nothing so difficult about that eh? Not so fast.
Upon entering the store, and I mean smack you in the face at the entrance, couldn't avoid the thing, I was quickly overtaken by this TV that was at least the size of Texas and possibly Alaska. Does anyone that shops at the stores I shop at even have a wall big enough for that monstrosity anyway?! No matter, it was the TV to beat all TVs.
So I worshipped. I got sucked in and found myself needing the fool thing. How is that possible? Hypnotic and cunning its power was alarming. Disturbingly, the alarm only came after I managed to escape from its grasp. Lucky me, I did escape.
In a world inundated with the next best thing, and all the technological toys a person could ever desire, maybe we should dig up some dirt, and plant some seeds, and take a walk, and see what's real. Maybe we could choose to live beyond the screen rather than to the screen.
The Golden Calf was a welcome gesture towards fun and entertainment without consequence. Its hypnotic powers promised safety regardless of behavior. Masterfully deceptive are the golden calves of our day.
* I am not an equal opportunity diaperist. Cloth diapers were not mentioned for a reason. I nannied with them and never jumped on that bandwagon as a mother. However, I have nothing against them and shout hurrah to those more environmentally diligent than I.
A mad dash to the store is the only choice here *. Good thing it's not quite Armageddon and the shelves are still stocked. A mad dash it was. A quick diaper run. Nothing so difficult about that eh? Not so fast.
Upon entering the store, and I mean smack you in the face at the entrance, couldn't avoid the thing, I was quickly overtaken by this TV that was at least the size of Texas and possibly Alaska. Does anyone that shops at the stores I shop at even have a wall big enough for that monstrosity anyway?! No matter, it was the TV to beat all TVs.
So I worshipped. I got sucked in and found myself needing the fool thing. How is that possible? Hypnotic and cunning its power was alarming. Disturbingly, the alarm only came after I managed to escape from its grasp. Lucky me, I did escape.
In a world inundated with the next best thing, and all the technological toys a person could ever desire, maybe we should dig up some dirt, and plant some seeds, and take a walk, and see what's real. Maybe we could choose to live beyond the screen rather than to the screen.
The Golden Calf was a welcome gesture towards fun and entertainment without consequence. Its hypnotic powers promised safety regardless of behavior. Masterfully deceptive are the golden calves of our day.
* I am not an equal opportunity diaperist. Cloth diapers were not mentioned for a reason. I nannied with them and never jumped on that bandwagon as a mother. However, I have nothing against them and shout hurrah to those more environmentally diligent than I.
Wednesday, March 27, 2013
Super Mom
Sometimes I want to scream, really, really loud, "I AM NOT SUPERMOM!" Whew that felt great.
I don't believe there is such a thing. Furthermore, I think it inhibits the accused supermom in her ability to be real and ask for help when needed. It discourages honesty and meaningful friendships because one has an image to uphold rather than a friend to rely on.
To inflict a label on someone is rarely edifying. Placing another on a pedestal discourages self appreciation and encourages depression when such abstract ideals cannot be met or "showed forth".
Here's a thought; pay a specific compliment if you feel so inclined, but leave the impossible out of it.
And for the record, I am not bitter, just absolutely not supermom.
I don't believe there is such a thing. Furthermore, I think it inhibits the accused supermom in her ability to be real and ask for help when needed. It discourages honesty and meaningful friendships because one has an image to uphold rather than a friend to rely on.
To inflict a label on someone is rarely edifying. Placing another on a pedestal discourages self appreciation and encourages depression when such abstract ideals cannot be met or "showed forth".
Here's a thought; pay a specific compliment if you feel so inclined, but leave the impossible out of it.
And for the record, I am not bitter, just absolutely not supermom.
Tuesday, March 26, 2013
Cultural Pressure
What do you do when you are part of a large group that says at a certain age your children are supposed to do certain things and there seems to be little acceptance/tolerance for variance?
What if the subgroup of which you belong does not have such a stellar "program" to "move on" to and you feel its not the best fit for your child?
What if you are weary due to growing pains, of this same nature, for the past few years and you feel done offering your child as a guinea pig?
What if?
There seems to be little room (if any) for individuality within the confines of group culture. I am not finding it simple to encourage authenticity and individuality with the ever looming shoulds, peer pressure, and accusations of passing judgement on others, because something might not be a fit, at the current time, for my child.
I don't want to upset friends. I don't want to be seen as the incessant squeaky wheel. I don't want to offend anyone or claim to be making a declaration for the entire group. I do want to do what is best for my child.
He sees incongruence between what the program and its leaders profess it to be and what it actually is. The current program is devoid of all but entertainment. The world runs amok with entertainment. He is looking for substance and meaning in everything around him.
There is also concern that another endeavor, more worthy of his time, and individually, as well as socially, satisfying, will be slighted due to time commitment and conflicting schedules. The more he is desensitized by wasting his time being entertained, the more he begins to feel as though what he desires is unattainable. Mediocrity is popular and the comfort of it can be addictive. Not a message I want to perpetuate in my children's lives.
I suppose the more important question is; when and how, as a mother, do I separate myself from my own insecurities long enough to make a decision best for my child. A decision that has nothing to do with me and everything to do with encouraging him on a path that is best for him.
I am having a difficult time navigating the waters of social non-acceptance in relation to motherhood. I am at a loss as to how to encourage individuality within this particular group.
I've got nothin'.
What if the subgroup of which you belong does not have such a stellar "program" to "move on" to and you feel its not the best fit for your child?
What if you are weary due to growing pains, of this same nature, for the past few years and you feel done offering your child as a guinea pig?
What if?
There seems to be little room (if any) for individuality within the confines of group culture. I am not finding it simple to encourage authenticity and individuality with the ever looming shoulds, peer pressure, and accusations of passing judgement on others, because something might not be a fit, at the current time, for my child.
I don't want to upset friends. I don't want to be seen as the incessant squeaky wheel. I don't want to offend anyone or claim to be making a declaration for the entire group. I do want to do what is best for my child.
He sees incongruence between what the program and its leaders profess it to be and what it actually is. The current program is devoid of all but entertainment. The world runs amok with entertainment. He is looking for substance and meaning in everything around him.
There is also concern that another endeavor, more worthy of his time, and individually, as well as socially, satisfying, will be slighted due to time commitment and conflicting schedules. The more he is desensitized by wasting his time being entertained, the more he begins to feel as though what he desires is unattainable. Mediocrity is popular and the comfort of it can be addictive. Not a message I want to perpetuate in my children's lives.
I suppose the more important question is; when and how, as a mother, do I separate myself from my own insecurities long enough to make a decision best for my child. A decision that has nothing to do with me and everything to do with encouraging him on a path that is best for him.
I am having a difficult time navigating the waters of social non-acceptance in relation to motherhood. I am at a loss as to how to encourage individuality within this particular group.
I've got nothin'.
Saturday, March 23, 2013
Be a Good Mother
What is that anyway?!
A wise woman once told me, "If I can live so my daughter's highest aspiration is to be a mother, then I have done my job well." Amen. Here's the best part. Every mother gets to determine what that means; all by herself.
What happened that we are so eager to tell everyone else what it means to be a mother. And worse, what it means to be a "good" mother. It even seems at times that the eagerness has escalated into a rite of passage required for womanhood. Of course this applies to all women, not just mothers, but I am a mother and that is the perspective from which I live and write.
Tis a sad day when feminism declares war within and refuses to be compassionate enough for all women's voices. We should be able to share what matters to us without hearing about how insignificant we are as part of a group or how menial our life's work is thought to be.
How about we all get down from our perches, stop yelling our declarations and passing judgement on each other, and simply be the best we can be. It's going to look different for every single one of us. Be honest with yourself. Define your life's mission by yourself, with nary a thought or slightest concern for what your bff, or anyone else, is doing or saying. No matter how loud they are.
Tis a sad day when feminism declares war within and refuses to be compassionate enough for all women's voices. We should be able to share what matters to us without hearing about how insignificant we are as part of a group or how menial our life's work is thought to be.
How about we all get down from our perches, stop yelling our declarations and passing judgement on each other, and simply be the best we can be. It's going to look different for every single one of us. Be honest with yourself. Define your life's mission by yourself, with nary a thought or slightest concern for what your bff, or anyone else, is doing or saying. No matter how loud they are.
Validation isn't all it is cracked up to be. Unless of course you are talking about self validation powered by a source that is higher than any pedestal one may be perched upon with their bullhorn.
Be yourself. Be your best self. Inspire those around you with that simple quiet message; it is much louder than you think.
Friday, March 22, 2013
The Dawn of Positivity
It's just under the surface you know. Waiting for you to bring it into being. You can't see it. You can't touch it. But you can access it. You can.
As I was sitting with my special needs toddler in the early hours of the morning, I saw the sunrise. We have had a long road with him, much longer than expected or has ever been documented for his particular disease. We have been awaiting the miracle. I have seen thousands of sunrises, but my heart was troubled and the Lord opened a window for me.
Guess what happens while we are waiting? We miss things. The glimpses, the progress, the billion micro-miracles that precede the crown jewel, the shinning moment of sunshine illuminating our whole world. My friends, that is life. Life is the glimpses, the progress, the billion micro-miracles. Each and every little click is what makes the shinning moments feel so wonderful. It is easy to take the brightness of day for granted. Seeing the sunrise opened my eyes to the beauty of the process.
Have you ever savored a sunrise? Have you noticed that you are surrounded by darkness and slowly the hue changes from pitch-dark to hazy gray. Then, when you least expect it, out pops this sliver of amazing brightness and color. But it is only a sliver, a tiny little peek at what is coming. Amazing Grace.
With each new pop and sliver of color and light comes an acute awareness that hope is here and good things are coming. That awareness feels good. It awakens our soul and, if acknowledged, can set the tone for our day, our life. Our thoughts can cause a conscious acknowledgement of the glimpses of hope that are present in each and every life. That awareness brings the dawn of positivity to the forefront of our consciousness and encourages us to continue on its path. Amazing Grace.
The hours of darkness that block out the sun can be overcome. The slow haze of gray awaits. The splash of color to follow is not so much a splash, but a gradual unveiling of careful brushstrokes on the masterpiece. The sun does indeed come and there is so much beauty to drink in before illumination.
Seek the sliver of color and light. Acknowledge the glimmer of hope. Before you know it your sky will be filled with more light than you knew possible.
Behold ...
The Positivity that is in You.
Monday, February 25, 2013
SMILE
Simple
Motherhood
Is
Life's
Ecstasy
Are you into complicating things? I seem to be. The more I open my heart and recognize that it is truly the simple things that make life wonderful, the happier I am. SMILE. Life is good.
Motherhood
Is
Life's
Ecstasy
Are you into complicating things? I seem to be. The more I open my heart and recognize that it is truly the simple things that make life wonderful, the happier I am. SMILE. Life is good.
Wednesday, October 3, 2012
Absolute Uncertainty
I have been thinking a lot lately. Okay, let's be honest here. I think a lot, all of the time. It's sort of a curse really. Anyhoo, my thoughts of late have pertained to absolutes and if there is any such thing.
It seems to me that the more I examine things that seem to be of an absolute nature, there are always circumstances that factor in. Hard and fast rules are easy to come by, but for every rule there is an exception.
In math, you have variables. 2+2=4, but what if it's 2 half apples + 2 whole apples, then you would have 3 apples, not 4. Science is subject to all sorts of things, whether the "powers that be" want us to know that or not. Religious beliefs and practices are certainly seen differently by each individual, even within the same umbrella of general guidelines. Education means something different to most people I know. Add qualifiers such as well, higher, or equal into the education mix and you could have a lively debate that would last until the end of the earth as we know it.
Freedom, agency, social justice, all of it is subject to ones experiences, practices, beliefs, and systems of government. How do we live in a world where everything is relative and maintain our beliefs while not trampling on those of others? Maybe most of us aren't trampling but it's seen as such.
Maybe the point is to do as the Savior did; live what you know, uphold it to the best of your ability (and hopefully get better and better at it as time goes on), and be kind to everyone. Of course then we would need to have a discussion about what being kind means. Tis another post entirely, for sure.
The one thing I am absolutely certain of is the relativity and subjectivity of all things to God's infinite wisdom. If not, then what are we all doing here anyway?
It seems to me that the more I examine things that seem to be of an absolute nature, there are always circumstances that factor in. Hard and fast rules are easy to come by, but for every rule there is an exception.
In math, you have variables. 2+2=4, but what if it's 2 half apples + 2 whole apples, then you would have 3 apples, not 4. Science is subject to all sorts of things, whether the "powers that be" want us to know that or not. Religious beliefs and practices are certainly seen differently by each individual, even within the same umbrella of general guidelines. Education means something different to most people I know. Add qualifiers such as well, higher, or equal into the education mix and you could have a lively debate that would last until the end of the earth as we know it.
Freedom, agency, social justice, all of it is subject to ones experiences, practices, beliefs, and systems of government. How do we live in a world where everything is relative and maintain our beliefs while not trampling on those of others? Maybe most of us aren't trampling but it's seen as such.
Maybe the point is to do as the Savior did; live what you know, uphold it to the best of your ability (and hopefully get better and better at it as time goes on), and be kind to everyone. Of course then we would need to have a discussion about what being kind means. Tis another post entirely, for sure.
The one thing I am absolutely certain of is the relativity and subjectivity of all things to God's infinite wisdom. If not, then what are we all doing here anyway?
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