To Live

"Knowledge about life is one thing," ... "Effective occupation of a place in life, with its dynamic currents passing through your being, is another." - The Varieties of Religious Experience, William James

Is there really any way I can expound upon that without ruining it? 

I find it fascinating that the louder I claim to "know" something the more life throws curveballs my way that disprove and poke holes in my know -it-all armor. I have yet to meet a person that benefits from my way of doing something because I know they will and tell them so. The reality I have found is that my life is much more peaceful and profound if I spend less time trying to prove my way is right to anyone else by any means, and more time effectively navigating my own path. 

It does make small talk, and even deeper conversations, a bit difficult though, as it seems the thing most aspired to, and acceptable, in our society is being right and having the most "likes" to prove it. 

I wonder how much peace awaits those willing to live in the silence of the moment and allow everyone their own path. I am finding more than I have had in quite some time. 

I am often amazed that truth really does speak softly and when it is screamed it has little value or affect.

Missing Out

I have thought a lot about "missing out" lately. I think I have finally figured it out.

We don't ever feel we are missing out until someone or something else points it out.

If cultural norms say you should be here or do that. We feel we are missing out if we don't.

If someone says, "Oh! You should have been there or done that! It was amazing!" "You can't miss that, it's too important." "You need to be here in order to ..." We definitely feel our life can't possibly be complete without it. Whatever "it" is.

What if we each have our own things to do and experience. What if there really is something to the idea that you can't do everything or be everywhere and we are each unique individuals with paths that are unique to our needs.

What if my life looks very different from most people I know. And oftentimes people, who mean well, are desperately trying to make my life fit what makes sense for them.

What if it is fabulously fine to have a different life. But, what if I spend a solid amount of time trying to convince myself of the fabulous in fabulously fine. I have learned a lot about "helping" and "meaning well". Hmmm.

I sincerely appreciate the efforts of those that mean well in my life. It does cause a great deal of internal strife for me though. I have gotten a lot better at asking for what is needed and smiling and saying "no thank you" a lot of the time.

Why is it that I can't internalize the smile that accompanies the "no thank you"? Why is it that I spend so much time second guessing?

Torn In Two

Have you ever experienced needing to be in two places at once? True faith is the only saving grace.

My 8 year old daughter had a big day this past week. A really big day. She was baptized. We had been talking and planning and preparing for weeks. She has very concrete ideas of how she likes things and how they should go. I did my best to accommodate her on her special day. Everything was in place for it to be the perfect day.

And then ...

My special needs toddler had been sick for a couple of weeks and we could, not get him better. He was not responding per his normal, despite our best efforts in his behalf. Everything came to a head an hour before I was supposed to be there for my daughter.

There was really no choice in the matter. Agency did not feel mine at all. I stayed home and cared for the toddler while other wonderful women filled in for me in various roles. I was angry, and sad, and doubtful. I was lost. Interestingly I was also at peace.

It was incredibly strange to be filled with turbulent emotion and yet feel at harmony with God. I was absolutely assured that I was exactly where I needed to be despite my desire to be somewhere else. It was a worthy desire and a worthy somewhere else. Just not where I was supposed to be.

There has been a great deal of that in my life since the birth of our fifth blessing. I struggle to understand why my prayers to be certain places or do certain things are not answered. I struggle to know how this is all going to work out. I feel stuck and chained and helpless, to reach where I want to be. I do believe that everything can be for my good. I hope that my journey for good does not deprive my children of their good.

I have no idea why things happen the way they do. I don't have the answers, solutions, fixes, skills, or wisdom to make things different from what is. I have faith. Faith is all that I have, for the concrete is not something I have a hold on in this moment of my existence. No amount of money, physical, mental, or temporal effort can change the circumstances. I have faith that the circumstances are exactly what is needful at the moment, even though it rarely makes sense or "fits" what I have in mind.

I have faith.

Faith; that my daughter will be sustained and supported by the Lord, and all those he places in her path, throughout her life, in spite of my inability to be there for her every moment.

Faith; that all the time and effort I am currently funneling in one child's direction will not hinder my other children.

Faith; that each of my children will have what is needful in life and that the Lord is there for them just as He is there for me.

Faith; that great people will continue to be the helping hand and saving grace for the Lord here upon the earth.

Faith; that our family life is perfectly suited for each of us, individually and collectively.

Faith; that life is worth living, even in the agonizing moments that cause everything to come in to question.

Faith; that I am enough.

The Grandma Factor

What is it with grandmas? They seem to have endless patience, an ability to play games and read books forever, and be genuinely delighted by the paint on the wall, milk spills, and conversations about any such thing as the child is interested in. What is it about grandmas?

I have heard a few people, some close to me, relate how their grandmothers were influential in their formative years. Offering love and support in ways that seemingly escape parents and have real impact in the lives of young people. In all but one account it was mentioned how grandma would play games for hours.

Could it be perhaps that this game playing was a platform of sorts? A stage on which to build a relationship without time constraints, outside distraction and interference, and with a common goal. Possibly most important might be the absence of hundreds of ever-changing rules. Games are simple, even the most complex of them. Concrete rules that don't change on a dime to suit someone's emotions or situations. You can learn the rules and refer to them whenever needed, making sure to abide by them and perfect your strategy. Simply satisfying.

Yes, life is complicated. But grandmas seem to know something that we whippersnappers don't. They seem to understand that it really is about time. Time to get to know a person without so many rules. Children are people too. People just want to be understood and known for who they are, not who we think they should be or need them to be.

Perhaps those that have done what we are trying to do know something. Perhaps they see what we are too busy to understand. Maybe if we slow down and trust that our children will indeed eventually change their underwear daily without reminder, and be able to brush their teeth without smearing an entire tube of toothpaste across the bathroom, maybe then we can get some of that grandma factor for ourselves. Our families will be better for it.

Slow down. Trust. Play games. Read books. Love unconditionally.

Management; Unplugged

We just spent a week unplugged, Sunday late night thru Sunday late afternoon. It was fabulous.

I learned much:

* All the things I "run" by e-mail, didn't fall a part.
* Children really do need undivided attention and plenty of it.
* Quality vice quantity in relation to time with children is a fallacy.
* It is not possible to be present with a child whilst busy on a screen of any sort.
* Getting along takes time and effort, both of which are underrated in today's family life.
* No screen reads a book to a child quite like mom or dad.
* "Interactive" technology is no substitute for real interaction.
* What is lost in relationships can always be found if one is willing to wade through the discomfort and awkwardness without seeking the soothing comfort of coping mechanisms such as: tv, smart phones, computers, iAnythings, and busyness of mundane chores that really can wait.
* And much, much more.

In this "connected" world we live in we are often not connected with the right things. Being truly connected with our children takes time. Being plugged in is a supreme time sucker. It takes careful management to use technology and screens appropriately.

You never know when those precious moments are going to come that a child speaks to you about something that will influence their entire life. I have missed and brushed off many such moments because I was "busy doing important computer work." Intuition is best found when interference is at bay. There is much interference in today's "connected" world.

I didn't realize how much my lack of desire to play a game or read a book at a child's request was tied to my being elsewhere even though physically present. I thought I was just doing so much of it already that I needed a break, and that I had so many important things to tend to.

Is there really a limit to the good we can offer our children? Can there ever really be enough songs, books, and games? What is so important that it would take priority over my living breathing children? My desires have changed as well as my definition of "important things".

This here manager has unplugged and seen the light. Children need much less management when parents are present; physically, mentally, and emotionally. Managerial skills are best used to free up time for real life and interaction. Perfectly behaved robots that need you only when convenient or scheduled don't exist, but children are perfectly happy to be zombified by a screen when parents aren't willing to do the work and manage their time wisely.

The Power of Friendship

A friend recently inquired of me, "How do you do 5 kids, one with special needs?!"

The answer is simple; friends, real friends.

Take last night for instance. Our youngest is sick with a nasty cold and wheezy cough and on top of that his disease flares up whenever it wants to. It chose last night.

As I am cleaning up throw up and preparing for who knows what over the next who knows how long, I remember; the older 4 children have a 3 hour science class about 20 minutes from our home this morning, hubby is gone, and the van tire is flat. I can't possibly do it. There is simply no way.

Late last evening I sent an e-mail out and within moments received a "Sure, what time shall I be at your house?" reply to my desperate request for help to get the children where they needed to be. She came out of her way, started her day considerably earlier and took my children along with her 3 to their classes.

Many such friends have helped me out tremendously over the past few years. There have been none so great as a select few, that for the past two years have literally kept things running for my older four while I tend to the special needs baby, now toddler.

True friends are hard to come by. I am so thankful to be blessed with enough. They are a powerful force in my life and I couldn't do what I do without them!

Love Language and the Circus Clown

If you've heard of love languages, you are quite likely in the same boat as I am; adrift. The practical application, especially with multiple people to love correctly, is abstract. Sure there are plenty of ideas on how to do it perfectly well. I don't live in a perfect world.

I live in a world where the very things my children are "needing" to feel loved are often the opposite of what I have to offer in a given moment. For instance:

1) The child that needs to be listened to; 24/7. I don't have 24/7. Do I have more time than currently offered, probably. Does it ever seem to be enough, no.

2) The child that wants to throw sand, mulch, pies, you name it, in my face and have the loving gesture returned. I don't ever like anything thrown in my face.

3) The child that wants to play the invented game for hours on end. I don't have hours on end. Should I? What I do have, isn't ever enough.

You get the point.

I am working on it, I am. But I most often feel like a circus clown; running around trying to please everyone while there is a fire under my feet, water about to dump from a bucket somehow suspended in mid-air always positioned perfectly above my head, and a series of hoops primed with petroleum jelly just waiting for me to jump through. No wonder I have plenty to repent for at the end of each day.

I can think of One who loved perfectly. It seems the formula might just be; be my best self, look for the good in others, genuinely encourage and praise that best part, be responsible and hold to simple truths, and make sure there is time to talk things out rather than hurriedly discipline in order to get on with life.

One thing I have implemented and is working nicely is an hour for each child each week. Depending on the child we may: color while chatting, walk and talk, visit the pet store, have a tea party, play a game, whatever the child wants to do. It's not my time, it's theirs and they get to use it. Their love meter gets pumped up and I get patience and understanding from them when I can't fill the need exactly as they wish exactly when they want.

Life is discipline. Clowns have a tough job. Lots of people make lots of money on self help books. Overload comes in many forms. There is usually one source, whatever you may call it, that centers and grounds. The best is already in each of us.

Perfectly Absurd, or not ...

Around here we start our day with devotional. Its a brief few moments where we can come together and get our bearings before the day rushes in. We love it. The grounding effect it has is crucial to things going as planned. Now that was funny; going as planned.

Yes, in a perfect world our days go as planned. In our world they go as they go. Devotional does ground us and keep us from getting too far off the path. We even have a catchy little jingle to call everyone together. Our 2 year old loves to sing it with me and then dash to the closet to get the hymn books.

We sing a hymn, read a daily scripture, discuss the day's business, have family prayer, and then we're off!

Today looked something like this:

* Children fighting
* Children still in pajamas
* Children fighting
* Wardrobe malfunctions of dramatic proportions that prohibit sane behavior
* Children still fighting
* Mother that wonders if she is still sleeping and having a nightmare
* Children still fighting; bloodshed imminent

I finally gave up trying to micromanage (it never works btw), sang the jingle, and proceeded with the 2 year old. Today's scripture; Psalm 127:3-5

"Lo, Children are an heritage of the Lord: and the fruit of the womb is his reward. As arrows are in the hand of a mighty man; so are the children of the youth. Happy is the man that hath his quiver full of them. "

As I sat listening to the fighting and chaos, I thought, "My quiver runneth over!" And then I saw that there was nothing absurd about the circumstances I found myself in. No, in fact, it was perfect. A perfect reminder to cherish.  

Soon there were beautiful choruses of, "sorry mom" and dressed and happy children ready to participate in our day of learning, study, and growth. Perfectly absurd.

Strong Enough

Grandma graciously gave us some bulbs last fall and we have been anxious to see if they will grow. As spring slowly starts to show its marvelously hope filled head around hear, we are seeing signs that our efforts of digging and planting and hoping are not in vain.

Yesterday my daughter and I were excitedly noticing some little tiny purplish points poking out of the ground. These were part of a new crop that we had forgotten about on a different side of the house than the rest. It was thrilling to discover what was already there. In her exuberance she started pulling back dirt and digging around to see more of the plant coming up and help it grow.

Have you ever made efforts to change and grow as a person only to forget where you planted those efforts. I have. When I find them I am usually in much too much of a hurry to bring them out and show them off. Problem is most of the time they aren't ready for flaunting. I get damaged in the process because I feel failure instead of progress.

I am not suggesting that we don't take our newfound qualities and attributes out for a spin. Or hide them under a bushel. Maybe just that some things are better left protected for a while. Left under that ground just enough to be nourished and grow even stronger and then push up out into the light.

Notice I didn't say fully developed, just strong enough. There are little purplish points in all of us, just under the surface. We can always get better and improve upon what we are. We just need to be kind and nurturing to ourselves before we expose ourselves to the sometimes harsh conditions of this world.

Flying High and Going Nowhere

I saw this bird the other day. It was going nowhere but flapping its wings so fast I half expected it to jump into cartoon mode and zip into another galaxy (we get serious wind round these here parts often). That's when it hit me.

Sometimes we aren't supposed to be going anywhere at all. Sometimes it really is about flapping your wings as hard as you can to make the best of the moment you are in.

Maybe even most times.

I am not opposed to goals and dreams. I have noticed that balance between those things and reality is foremost in my pursuit of happiness.

I flap my wings pretty hard most days. I am going nowhere fast and there's not much I can do about it. I sure am finding the wind whipping through my wings quite enjoyable. As long as I choose to feel it  that is.

Guess what the best part is. As long as you are flapping, you actually do get somewhere, as soon as the wind dies down. Even if it is just a few feet forward, or a couple inches for that matter.

Forward progress is often made while you are going nowhere, really fast. Perspective is everything.