Friday, June 7, 2013

Missing Out

I have thought a lot about "missing out" lately. I think I have finally figured it out.

We don't ever feel we are missing out until someone or something else points it out.

If cultural norms say you should be here or do that. We feel we are missing out if we don't.

If someone says, "Oh! You should have been there or done that! It was amazing!" "You can't miss that, it's too important." "You need to be here in order to ..." We definitely feel our life can't possibly be complete without it. Whatever "it" is.

What if we each have our own things to do and experience. What if there really is something to the idea that you can't do everything or be everywhere and we are each unique individuals with paths that are unique to our needs.

What if my life looks very different from most people I know. And oftentimes people, who mean well, are desperately trying to make my life fit what makes sense for them.

What if it is fabulously fine to have a different life. But, what if I spend a solid amount of time trying to convince myself of the fabulous in fabulously fine. I have learned a lot about "helping" and "meaning well". Hmmm.

I sincerely appreciate the efforts of those that mean well in my life. It does cause a great deal of internal strife for me though. I have gotten a lot better at asking for what is needed and smiling and saying "no thank you" a lot of the time.

Why is it that I can't internalize the smile that accompanies the "no thank you"? Why is it that I spend so much time second guessing?

Sunday, June 2, 2013

Torn In Two

Have you ever experienced needing to be in two places at once? True faith is the only saving grace.

My 8 year old daughter had a big day this past week. A really big day. She was baptized. We had been talking and planning and preparing for weeks. She has very concrete ideas of how she likes things and how they should go. I did my best to accommodate her on her special day. Everything was in place for it to be the perfect day.

And then ...

My special needs toddler had been sick for a couple of weeks and we could, not get him better. He was not responding per his normal, despite our best efforts in his behalf. Everything came to a head an hour before I was supposed to be there for my daughter.

There was really no choice in the matter. Agency did not feel mine at all. I stayed home and cared for the toddler while other wonderful women filled in for me in various roles. I was angry, and sad, and doubtful. I was lost. Interestingly I was also at peace.

It was incredibly strange to be filled with turbulent emotion and yet feel at harmony with God. I was absolutely assured that I was exactly where I needed to be despite my desire to be somewhere else. It was a worthy desire and a worthy somewhere else. Just not where I was supposed to be.

There has been a great deal of that in my life since the birth of our fifth blessing. I struggle to understand why my prayers to be certain places or do certain things are not answered. I struggle to know how this is all going to work out. I feel stuck and chained and helpless, to reach where I want to be. I do believe that everything can be for my good. I hope that my journey for good does not deprive my children of their good.

I have no idea why things happen the way they do. I don't have the answers, solutions, fixes, skills, or wisdom to make things different from what is. I have faith. Faith is all that I have, for the concrete is not something I have a hold on in this moment of my existence. No amount of money, physical, mental, or temporal effort can change the circumstances. I have faith that the circumstances are exactly what is needful at the moment, even though it rarely makes sense or "fits" what I have in mind.

I have faith.

Faith; that my daughter will be sustained and supported by the Lord, and all those he places in her path, throughout her life, in spite of my inability to be there for her every moment.

Faith; that all the time and effort I am currently funneling in one child's direction will not hinder my other children.

Faith; that each of my children will have what is needful in life and that the Lord is there for them just as He is there for me.

Faith; that great people will continue to be the helping hand and saving grace for the Lord here upon the earth.

Faith; that our family life is perfectly suited for each of us, individually and collectively.

Faith; that life is worth living, even in the agonizing moments that cause everything to come in to question.

Faith; that I am enough.