The Grandma Factor

What is it with grandmas? They seem to have endless patience, an ability to play games and read books forever, and be genuinely delighted by the paint on the wall, milk spills, and conversations about any such thing as the child is interested in. What is it about grandmas?

I have heard a few people, some close to me, relate how their grandmothers were influential in their formative years. Offering love and support in ways that seemingly escape parents and have real impact in the lives of young people. In all but one account it was mentioned how grandma would play games for hours.

Could it be perhaps that this game playing was a platform of sorts? A stage on which to build a relationship without time constraints, outside distraction and interference, and with a common goal. Possibly most important might be the absence of hundreds of ever-changing rules. Games are simple, even the most complex of them. Concrete rules that don't change on a dime to suit someone's emotions or situations. You can learn the rules and refer to them whenever needed, making sure to abide by them and perfect your strategy. Simply satisfying.

Yes, life is complicated. But grandmas seem to know something that we whippersnappers don't. They seem to understand that it really is about time. Time to get to know a person without so many rules. Children are people too. People just want to be understood and known for who they are, not who we think they should be or need them to be.

Perhaps those that have done what we are trying to do know something. Perhaps they see what we are too busy to understand. Maybe if we slow down and trust that our children will indeed eventually change their underwear daily without reminder, and be able to brush their teeth without smearing an entire tube of toothpaste across the bathroom, maybe then we can get some of that grandma factor for ourselves. Our families will be better for it.

Slow down. Trust. Play games. Read books. Love unconditionally.

Management; Unplugged

We just spent a week unplugged, Sunday late night thru Sunday late afternoon. It was fabulous.

I learned much:

* All the things I "run" by e-mail, didn't fall a part.
* Children really do need undivided attention and plenty of it.
* Quality vice quantity in relation to time with children is a fallacy.
* It is not possible to be present with a child whilst busy on a screen of any sort.
* Getting along takes time and effort, both of which are underrated in today's family life.
* No screen reads a book to a child quite like mom or dad.
* "Interactive" technology is no substitute for real interaction.
* What is lost in relationships can always be found if one is willing to wade through the discomfort and awkwardness without seeking the soothing comfort of coping mechanisms such as: tv, smart phones, computers, iAnythings, and busyness of mundane chores that really can wait.
* And much, much more.

In this "connected" world we live in we are often not connected with the right things. Being truly connected with our children takes time. Being plugged in is a supreme time sucker. It takes careful management to use technology and screens appropriately.

You never know when those precious moments are going to come that a child speaks to you about something that will influence their entire life. I have missed and brushed off many such moments because I was "busy doing important computer work." Intuition is best found when interference is at bay. There is much interference in today's "connected" world.

I didn't realize how much my lack of desire to play a game or read a book at a child's request was tied to my being elsewhere even though physically present. I thought I was just doing so much of it already that I needed a break, and that I had so many important things to tend to.

Is there really a limit to the good we can offer our children? Can there ever really be enough songs, books, and games? What is so important that it would take priority over my living breathing children? My desires have changed as well as my definition of "important things".

This here manager has unplugged and seen the light. Children need much less management when parents are present; physically, mentally, and emotionally. Managerial skills are best used to free up time for real life and interaction. Perfectly behaved robots that need you only when convenient or scheduled don't exist, but children are perfectly happy to be zombified by a screen when parents aren't willing to do the work and manage their time wisely.

The Power of Friendship

A friend recently inquired of me, "How do you do 5 kids, one with special needs?!"

The answer is simple; friends, real friends.

Take last night for instance. Our youngest is sick with a nasty cold and wheezy cough and on top of that his disease flares up whenever it wants to. It chose last night.

As I am cleaning up throw up and preparing for who knows what over the next who knows how long, I remember; the older 4 children have a 3 hour science class about 20 minutes from our home this morning, hubby is gone, and the van tire is flat. I can't possibly do it. There is simply no way.

Late last evening I sent an e-mail out and within moments received a "Sure, what time shall I be at your house?" reply to my desperate request for help to get the children where they needed to be. She came out of her way, started her day considerably earlier and took my children along with her 3 to their classes.

Many such friends have helped me out tremendously over the past few years. There have been none so great as a select few, that for the past two years have literally kept things running for my older four while I tend to the special needs baby, now toddler.

True friends are hard to come by. I am so thankful to be blessed with enough. They are a powerful force in my life and I couldn't do what I do without them!

Love Language and the Circus Clown

If you've heard of love languages, you are quite likely in the same boat as I am; adrift. The practical application, especially with multiple people to love correctly, is abstract. Sure there are plenty of ideas on how to do it perfectly well. I don't live in a perfect world.

I live in a world where the very things my children are "needing" to feel loved are often the opposite of what I have to offer in a given moment. For instance:

1) The child that needs to be listened to; 24/7. I don't have 24/7. Do I have more time than currently offered, probably. Does it ever seem to be enough, no.

2) The child that wants to throw sand, mulch, pies, you name it, in my face and have the loving gesture returned. I don't ever like anything thrown in my face.

3) The child that wants to play the invented game for hours on end. I don't have hours on end. Should I? What I do have, isn't ever enough.

You get the point.

I am working on it, I am. But I most often feel like a circus clown; running around trying to please everyone while there is a fire under my feet, water about to dump from a bucket somehow suspended in mid-air always positioned perfectly above my head, and a series of hoops primed with petroleum jelly just waiting for me to jump through. No wonder I have plenty to repent for at the end of each day.

I can think of One who loved perfectly. It seems the formula might just be; be my best self, look for the good in others, genuinely encourage and praise that best part, be responsible and hold to simple truths, and make sure there is time to talk things out rather than hurriedly discipline in order to get on with life.

One thing I have implemented and is working nicely is an hour for each child each week. Depending on the child we may: color while chatting, walk and talk, visit the pet store, have a tea party, play a game, whatever the child wants to do. It's not my time, it's theirs and they get to use it. Their love meter gets pumped up and I get patience and understanding from them when I can't fill the need exactly as they wish exactly when they want.

Life is discipline. Clowns have a tough job. Lots of people make lots of money on self help books. Overload comes in many forms. There is usually one source, whatever you may call it, that centers and grounds. The best is already in each of us.

Perfectly Absurd, or not ...

Around here we start our day with devotional. Its a brief few moments where we can come together and get our bearings before the day rushes in. We love it. The grounding effect it has is crucial to things going as planned. Now that was funny; going as planned.

Yes, in a perfect world our days go as planned. In our world they go as they go. Devotional does ground us and keep us from getting too far off the path. We even have a catchy little jingle to call everyone together. Our 2 year old loves to sing it with me and then dash to the closet to get the hymn books.

We sing a hymn, read a daily scripture, discuss the day's business, have family prayer, and then we're off!

Today looked something like this:

* Children fighting
* Children still in pajamas
* Children fighting
* Wardrobe malfunctions of dramatic proportions that prohibit sane behavior
* Children still fighting
* Mother that wonders if she is still sleeping and having a nightmare
* Children still fighting; bloodshed imminent

I finally gave up trying to micromanage (it never works btw), sang the jingle, and proceeded with the 2 year old. Today's scripture; Psalm 127:3-5

"Lo, Children are an heritage of the Lord: and the fruit of the womb is his reward. As arrows are in the hand of a mighty man; so are the children of the youth. Happy is the man that hath his quiver full of them. "

As I sat listening to the fighting and chaos, I thought, "My quiver runneth over!" And then I saw that there was nothing absurd about the circumstances I found myself in. No, in fact, it was perfect. A perfect reminder to cherish.  

Soon there were beautiful choruses of, "sorry mom" and dressed and happy children ready to participate in our day of learning, study, and growth. Perfectly absurd.

Strong Enough

Grandma graciously gave us some bulbs last fall and we have been anxious to see if they will grow. As spring slowly starts to show its marvelously hope filled head around hear, we are seeing signs that our efforts of digging and planting and hoping are not in vain.

Yesterday my daughter and I were excitedly noticing some little tiny purplish points poking out of the ground. These were part of a new crop that we had forgotten about on a different side of the house than the rest. It was thrilling to discover what was already there. In her exuberance she started pulling back dirt and digging around to see more of the plant coming up and help it grow.

Have you ever made efforts to change and grow as a person only to forget where you planted those efforts. I have. When I find them I am usually in much too much of a hurry to bring them out and show them off. Problem is most of the time they aren't ready for flaunting. I get damaged in the process because I feel failure instead of progress.

I am not suggesting that we don't take our newfound qualities and attributes out for a spin. Or hide them under a bushel. Maybe just that some things are better left protected for a while. Left under that ground just enough to be nourished and grow even stronger and then push up out into the light.

Notice I didn't say fully developed, just strong enough. There are little purplish points in all of us, just under the surface. We can always get better and improve upon what we are. We just need to be kind and nurturing to ourselves before we expose ourselves to the sometimes harsh conditions of this world.

Flying High and Going Nowhere

I saw this bird the other day. It was going nowhere but flapping its wings so fast I half expected it to jump into cartoon mode and zip into another galaxy (we get serious wind round these here parts often). That's when it hit me.

Sometimes we aren't supposed to be going anywhere at all. Sometimes it really is about flapping your wings as hard as you can to make the best of the moment you are in.

Maybe even most times.

I am not opposed to goals and dreams. I have noticed that balance between those things and reality is foremost in my pursuit of happiness.

I flap my wings pretty hard most days. I am going nowhere fast and there's not much I can do about it. I sure am finding the wind whipping through my wings quite enjoyable. As long as I choose to feel it  that is.

Guess what the best part is. As long as you are flapping, you actually do get somewhere, as soon as the wind dies down. Even if it is just a few feet forward, or a couple inches for that matter.

Forward progress is often made while you are going nowhere, really fast. Perspective is everything.

Rushing River of Change

We have a river in our back yard. It wasn't there before the spring thaw. The change has been most wonderful for the children. In their exuberant exploration they have enlisted the help of the canoe and been to new lands, discovered many wonders of nature and laws of physics, and they have grown.

I don't like the river. Its muddy and messy. Its full of grass clippings and burrs, and living organisms. Its wet and I only have one vent with which to dry boots. Did I mention its wet? Snow pants are a very poor substitute for waders. We don't own waders. I am resistant to change.

I can't ever recall a time when I leapt with joy at the sound of the faint rumblings of change on the horizon. I have always been able to feel it coming. Perhaps it is a blessing to allow me to prepare for the coming discomfort and resistance. Perhaps it is karma coming to call. Perhaps it is life offering me an opportunity. A possibility of better things, however far off in the distance they may be.

When you stretch a rubber band wide enough and long enough, it does increase in size, ever so slightly. It seems that this is the way of change and growth most often. The horrific trial that brings your world tumbling down, only to return almost back to what you were after the dust settles. The ebb and flow of life and stretching does bring us closer to the best end result, but it takes a while. Most often a long while.

The rushing river is magnificent and deceiving in its instant transformation of landscape and life.

I don't like change, but as I grow in spirit and maturity I am learning to approach it differently and allow the stretching. Oh, but I do long for the days of almost back to normal predictability and comfort. I suppose one does not grow that way.

For now, I dry the boots, and snow pants, coats, gloves, hats, and noses. I make warm soup and listen to tales of wonder. For now, I watch and hopefully I learn.

Murphy's Law

Murphy, Murphy, Murphy; why oh why must you be so right.

We live for tax return season. Hubby gets them done as soon as the W-2 is available and we have it earmarked months ahead. We used to be able to do fun things with it, not so much for the past few years. Murphy has been with us for a long, long time now.

This year Murphy has been especially good to us. So good in fact that we finally made up a room for him in order to serve him night and day. There is no choice really. You see, the more you fight this guy, the more power he has over you.

The day after we decided to get a new mattress, after 10 years of sleeping on squeaky brick dude, our washer broke. Yes, I did say washer. Later the same day our vacuum broke. Can you even imagine what life with 5 children is like without a vacuum? STOP! It'll give you nightmares. Did I mention that the microwave had already been down for the count for 2 months. Living without that blessed appliance was a challenge to say the least. Please don't try any of this at home.

As a parent you make choices; bread and milk or a new microwave, underwear and highly beneficial classes or a new microwave. You choose in the moment and then you go crazy when it takes 30-40 minutes to warm up leftovers for lunch and you have starving children at your feet. You pull your hair out when it takes you several hours at the laundromat every couple of days to launder clothing for your family. You begin to believe that things can't really get much worse.

And then you go shopping with your new best friend Mr. Tax Return. Take that Murphy!

The vacuum is duct taped and limping along. The new microwave is busy always. The washer and dryer are beloved. The new mattress is heavenly. I guess the debt will just have to continue sucking our souls until the money tree in the back yard starts producing fruit.

As far as Murphy goes; your bags are packed mister, don't let the door hit you on the way out. It's time for a big time out for you buster! I hope he listens.

Below The Surface

On the surface we are pristine and beautiful. On the surface we chat and laugh and share insignificant details and frustrations. We might even be so lucky as to find like minded individuals that we have occasion to dip a bit below the water spiders with. But then we make ripples in the network. Networks don't like ripples so much, and they detest waves.

Networks: school,work, church, neighborhoods, etc., are great for some light social interaction. A place to feel comfortable and like you belong, until your life starts to look a bit different from the acceptable surface, and then things get interesting. Networks ask us to provide a narrow piece of ourselves and suppress the rest. The network will deliver efficiency in some limited aim. This fragmentation creates diminished humanity.

I get judged, a lot, since the birth of my 5th child. His disease has changed my ability to be what others want from me on the surface. I can't split myself apart well enough to achieve network greatness while remaining whole for myself and family. It's painful to recognize how shallow one's associations sometimes are within the context of a network. Even more painful is the realization that what you thought was a community is really a network. A fabulous network, but a network nonetheless.

Even families fall prey to network superficiality and forgo the true community aspect intended to strengthen and build up the individual. "Good fences make good neighbors" Mending Wall byRobert Frost. It is okay to create a sanctuary wherein we can thrive.

Communities on the other hand are collections of souls who find significant meaning in their associations. They offer opportunity for true growth and development of the whole person. Highest quality of life is promoted through engagement and participation over time and in all human variety, the good the bad and the ugly.

Society is lacking in true community these days. We run around joining groups and social networks hoping to fill a void. Strange isn't it that the void just keeps getting bigger and the problems grow from slight crevasses to chasms, seemingly overnight.

My husband was present for a discussion recently that went like so, Question: "How can we determine each other's spiritual needs?" Answer: "We don't have friends anymore. We don't know each other anymore." A bit later a younger gentleman chimed in telling frustrated tales of he and his wife trying to get to know neighbors and make friends in their new environment. His summation was: "We don't have friends, we have FaceBook! We don't have neighbors, it's awkward."

I get teased for my long voicemail messages and "too personal" and detailed e-mails, blog posts, and conversations. I am desperate for community and I seek it everywhere. Some take the bait and join me in my community of depth. Thank you :)

Dumbing Us Down, John Taylor Gatto